Nonsuch United lineup

Introducing Nonsuch’s very own 6-a-side football team – Nonsuch United

This article was amended at 12.01pm on Sunday 1 April due to it not being true.

Here at Nonsuch Towers we have a team of very competitive people working day and night to keep the cogs turning.

But in the arts everybody is rather nice to each other. That’s lovely, don’t us wrong, but it doesn’t provide that competitive release we sometimes need.

So now we are proud to announce the formation of our new football team: Nonsuch United!

Nonsuch United lineup

Edward Boott, artistic director and CEO of Nonsuch, said: “It just made perfect sense to start this team!

“When you look at clubs even at the very top of the system, playing boring football and sideways passes, you think that what they need is a bit of creativity.

“Clearly, we have creativity in heaps and I think we can really bring a revolution to this sport.

“For example, when everybody is on the pitch calling for the ball, surely that gets confusing? What we’re going to do instead is sing for it. We’ll have an assigned song each, so when Izzy is tearing down the left flank and Olivia is in a perfect position in the middle, all she has to do is sing a verse of ‘Killing Me Softly’ and the ball will gravitate towards her.

“And think how much we can improve diving too! As actors we’re going to have a natural sense of the timing needed to convince a referee that we were fouled. We’ll be second only to actual divers.

Swedish experts have found that competitive sport during work hours can increase productivity by a whopping 104%.

Leading researcher on the project, Dr Ayma Pullin Yerleg, said: “We are very pleased to see that the-a research that we have been-a doing is now getting put into practise jah.

“Nonsuch are leading the way and we will-a be closely monitoring their progress to see how they are-a getting on.

“With Sweden not in the World Cup this-a year, Nonsuch United will give us some much needed football to-a support.”

So let’s meet the team:

Player-manager: Edward ‘give it the’ Boott

Goalkeeper: Courtney Net-tleford

Defender: Matthew Drew nil-nil

Right wing: ‘Lightning’ Laura Jasper

Left wing: Izzy ‘Beckham’ Bradley

Centre forward: Olivia ‘points stealer’ Wheeler

Nonsuch United start in the 37th tier of English 6-a-side football, in Division A of the Pril League, and are hoping to rise through the ranks as quickly as possible.

They will take on teams such as Rouse FC., Not Real Madrid and Fewl Athletic.

It all starts with a grudge match against the league’s other reds -Herring Town – on Sunday 1 April at just before midday.